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Verylowsodium


delivering powerful diversions and ASCII noses via hypertext transfer protocol since 2001

Letters


Back when I started this webpage last year, five people knew it existed, and only two of them actually visited. Now Verylowsodium.com is a web gateway of fun for TENS AND TENS of people, so my email traffic has shot up.

We've gone over the fact that I'm a lazy bastard before, but I might as well point it out again. I am so far behind in responding to reader mail that it's not even funny. This allows me to be a little more selective, but not much. Why not help me out by sending me mail? If you send it to cult@verylowsodium.com, I'll know you're cool with it being replied to on my web page, where TENS AND TENS of people will see it.

Our first letter today comes from a female fan. I actually have these now! It's an amazing thing. If you're attractive to a small percentage of the population, but you present yourself to TENS AND TENS of ladies, some of them will actually find you desireable. I've met some neat people that way. I've gotten into some really delightful email threads and phone conversations. Other times, you get, erm, slightly less eloquent messages:

Subject: REASONS WHY I WANT TO FUCK GREG

TOP 8 (and a half) reasons why i want to fuck greg

1. My name is ashlee
2. I love geeklove
3. yatta
4. g
5. i
6. ee
7. f
8. I REALLY DO HAVE A PYSCHO BEAR
8 1/2. .....ARGHH
....man i want ur sex...and i wanna have all your fucking babies yes i doo dooo

marry marry me me
Love
Ashlee

I remember Ashlee. Around the same time she sent me this mail, she was also posting things on my message sign like "You'll suck my cock and like it!" So, I dunno, the whole "I want to fuck Greg" thing is a concept that, in general, I approve of, but in this case... I don't think I'm going to marry you, Ashlee. Those aren't really convincing reasons.

Except maybe for reasons 4 and 8 1/2.

Moving on... this next one... well, just look for yourself.

Subject: I HAVE EVIDENCE THAT YOU HAD A PARROT CRIPPLE ME AS A CHILD

AH HA HA HA!!! IT WAS YOU!!! I HAVE FOUND PROOF IN THIS LOST PHOTO OF YOU HAVING THE EVEIL PARROT CRIPPLE ME!!! DONT RUN!!! OR HIDE!!! OR JUST DO IT ANYWAYS!!! AH HAH ABSHJ@EQLBJHFGB!!! DONT THINK I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU HAD THAT POOR STRAWBERRY DO TO YOU, PERVERT!!!

Bizarrely-altered picture
of me being groped by a strawberry.

Funny, I'm surprised Outlook didn't display that as AH HAH ABSHJ@EQLBJHFGB!!!. Anyway, yeah, I'm busted. What can I say? Chocolate Dipped Strawberry strikes again.

What, I should do more? Okay, let's see here. Why don't we get another ludicrous letter out of the way?

Subject: ME AM BRASIL

HELLO VELOSO ME AM WATCH YOU ON EL WEBCAMO AND ME AM THINK AT SELF "WOW I SURE WISH I HAD HAIR LIKE VELOSO" SO ME AM GO TO EL BARBERO AND ME SAY "HOLA EL BARBERO MAKE LA HAIRA LIKE VELOSO'S" SO HE AM TRY TO MAKE HAIR DE ME LIKE IT IS OF YOURS BUT HE AM NO SUCCESS

Thanks for the insightful question. The trick to growing your hair out long is to NOT CUT IT! I lurk in a men's longhair message board, and it's just plain stunning how many times people ask "how often should I get my hair cut when growing it out?" Those people are just kooky. But in a different way than you, Mr. ME AM BRASIL.

While we're talking about kooks, remember that letter from Mary A. Clark? That was a fun one. It made me laugh out loud when I read it, so I figured I'd share the joy with everyone else. I thought that was going to be the end of the humor, but it wasn't.

Because TENS AND TENS of people TOOK IT SERIOUSLY! I got quite a bit of email from people who were angry at Mary Clark. They actually bought into the whole thing. So I got to laugh more. I was hoping for a message to the cult address which responded angrily with an obviously fake, over-the-top reply. This was as close as I got:

Subject: iatrogenic ms. attacks animations

Ms. Mary A. Clark's letter deeply concerns me. As a doctor, I immediately drew a parallel between her condition and iatrogenic patients. If patients look for problems with enough determination, they will _create_ problems out of thin air.

Are Christians so desperate that they feel the need to search for 'subliminal messages' that arise out of boldfacing the first two letters of every word?

IB SMelling ILlness EYerywhere (I B Smiley...)

And by the way, keep up the good work, my son.

Signed

Bernard Eliot Zed B. Uberto

Is this a real letter, or a fake? I think real, though I'm not sure. But even if it wasn't, I have received lots of mail on this subject that was. It's fake, okay? There's no Santa, I'm not Greg Janson, and Diet Dr. Pepper tastes like a diet cola. We'll all survive, trust me.

And just because radical Christians are the most vocal ones, that doesn't mean that Christianity is bad. Some of my best friends are Christian. So there.

Okay, one more. Fan mail, fan mail! I get TENS AND TENS of these, and I appreciate them all, but here's one I can post up and make a statement about.

Subject: 

hey man. the yatta video was timeless and - on several levels - very, very funny. the anarchist political thang was what brought me in - LOL - the japanese pop culture disco hook was what kept me. . . . <giggle> it's funny to me how - even in irony - i can be caught by a very calculated musical hook.

anyway. . . . i hope you will someday do some DJ or at least video up here in SF. dance culture hasn't died here yet, and i think what you have to say should be heard.

hoping i hear you in a big warehouse with 200 other dance-frenetic freaks.

.chase

First off, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Irrational Exuberance became much more of a hit than I had ever expected it to. I figured I'd get the same sort of reception that Dash got. Maybe a few more followers. But it spread like wildfire. It was the animation that made this site a regular destination for TENS AND TENS of web viewers.

All silliness aside, I really do appreciate the feedback. It took me thirty hours to make IE. When I was done, all I had to show for it was four minutes of animation that I was already getting tired of. I was afraid all the work wouldn't be worth it. A hundred thousand or so downloads later, the feedback I get still makes me smile.

But now for the evil secret. I'm not a huge anticommercialism guy. Actually, I think capitalism is a pretty neat idea. Sure, the things I poke fun at I find ridiculous, but I don't care enough to be outraged. I'm just as content making hemorhoid jokes as I am making satiric sociopolitical observations. So I never really know how to respond to people who really love that angle of Irrational Exuberance. I think it's funny, but I'm not INTO it, ya know?

And me as a DJ... I guess I could do it, except I don't like techno music so much. I'd be spinning Brave Combo and The Refreshments and Operation Ivy, and the dancers would just sort of stand there, mouths wide open, waiting for the real music to start. I'd be afraid of DJing for 200 folks in San Fran, because I'm sure quite a few of them could kick my ass.

Still, thanks very much for the letter! I wasn't kidding about that.


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I can be reached at veloso@verylowsodium.com.

Contents copyright 2006 Greg Falcon.

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