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Verylowsodium


delivering powerful diversions and ASCII noses via hypertext transfer protocol since 2001

Letters


Because of the success of verylowsodium.com, I get tons of mail. Most of it, I summarily throw away (I have higher standards than you people think.) Some of the friskier ones I print out and keep under my mattress. (You know who you are!) The rest, once in a very long while, I actually respond to, with my own two hands, right here on the site!!

Want to join in the fun? It's easy! But to "come on down," you have to come on down to a taping of The Price Is Right! How do they get here, Rod?

If you'd like to see The Price Is Right in person, mail your request, including the number of tickets and the date you wish to attend, along with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Mail it all to:

Tickets
The Price Is Right
CBS Television City
7800 Beverly Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90036

Okay, Bob!

(The sad part here is that this was entirely from memory. Well, okay, not sad. I guess I'm a little proud of it. It purely depends on your point of view.)

Of course, if you want your LETTERS to get a chance to be on the website, mail them to cult@verylowsodium.com. That's how I know you're down with the whole letters section sharing, yo.

Let's do 'em in chronological order, cause that's the kind of guy I am. The first comes from Ryan V., one of the many people who have had the pleasure of kicking my ass at chess on a regular basis.

Subject: hMmmmm

so these peeps think your name is "greg janson", hilarious, hehehe

RyanV.
www.mp3.com/mine
cjv@exp.net

Okay, I'll come clean. I'm not Janson. Are you folks satisfied? Can you rest now? God, one little joke and there's lawsuits and death threats and people in at least two different states calling me up at two in the morning breathing heavily in the phone. I'm SORRY, OK? Are we cool now?

(Note to self: I've got to stop doing in-jokes on this page if I'm going to get the mass-market appeal and amazing internet earnings potential that I so richly deserve.)

Okay, this next one intrigues me. (Enough to make me look up the spelling of "intrigue" rather than use a synonym, even!)

Subject: WWW.VERYLOWSODIUM.COM

Hello,

I have visited and noticed that your website is not listed on some search engines. I am sure that through our service the number of people who visit your website will definitely increase. SeekerCenter is a unique technology that instantly submits your website to over 500,000 search engines and directories -- a really low-cost and effective way to advertise your site. For more details please go to SeekerCenter.net.

Give your website maximum exposure today!
Looking forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards,
Vanessa Lintner
Sales & Marketing
www.SeekerCenter.net

For extra fun, here's a picture of the letter. (Dig the funky retro colors!)

I'm looking at the picture in the email, and I'm quite simply amazed. Stunned, really. Do you know what this means? It means that someone wrote a computer program that can take a web page AND RENDER IT GRAPHICALLY!! They can DO that?!? Woah.

That's all the sarcasm I have for this one. Except... look, if I want to get more traffic, then I'll just join the Sailor Moon Hentai Webring. That'll attract the types of perverts and freaks that can really groove to my Verylowsodium style, and it would also give me something at the bottom of my page to click on when I got bored.

Now let's take a look at people who've decided it's fun to mock other people.

Subject: Imperial Addiction Umber Basic Sssssuper!

Hey champ let's chat why not?

Although Im new talking with big important American average-Joe salaryman (or maybe now average-Veloso ha ha ha ha ha), i would like to be saying that yours is truly super site number one! Keep up with the camera chief! Keep us happy happy yes? Maybe we wont have to be bombing your harbour of boats again HA HA HA HA.

Greetings accepted please please!

Hirozumi Orokashi Misoharu Torinoko

Erm... okay. We get it. Look, I get a lot of bizarre mail. That's what this whole website is about -- me getting bizarre coorespondence from random people. You meet some really cool people that way.

So, it's like, I appreciate you sending me that, but if you're going to be mocking stereotypes, you'd do well to emulate this next person:

Subject: My Concerns

Dear Mr. Falcon,

It has come to my attention on your "website," as you note in 1 Corinthians 11:14-15 ("Does not nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace for him, but if a woman has long hair, it is her glory?"), that by your shamefully unkempt and unGodly appearance, you closely resemble the Pagan stereotype. Therefore, as browsing through the rest of the content, God has shown me these alarming findings shocked me so much that I thought it was best I bring them up with you, and see what you have to say for yourself.

All through your "site," you attempt to plant your Satanic agenda into the minds of all whose innocent curiosity brings them to Very Low Sodium dot com. Perhaps it is bad enough they haven't used their precious time for something more constructive then internet "surfing," such as praying to Jesus Christ, donating their services to the local church, killing those evil Muslims, et cetera -- but no one is deserving of the cruel messages you plant! Let alone, that we must witness the pure pornography of your "webcam" twenty-four hours a day. Do you realize that how many pure-minded and innocent children may be witnessing you "sleeping" in your bed every night? May God have mercy on you for your deeds!

Now, if the Satanic messages aren't yet clear enough, let me point them out. They appear in your clever dark typeface all down the page, placed at specific distances that the soul absorbs them under the influence of the Devil. Under the power of the One True God, you will be found out.

"Weca"
Obviously, a variation of "Wicca," which is the blood-lusting, corrupt Satan-worship plaguing America.

"Grwa"
Is this the growling grunt of Mr. Falcon hefting his leather-bound Bible on Sunday morning? I think not. Now, along with Satan-worship, you have brought sexual immorality into the mix!

"Si"
This can only be a Spanish "yes," a cry of support to drive in your previous blasphemy.

"Ra"
As if it weren't bad enough, you now endorse worship of Ra, the Egyptian Sun "god," as well.

"Le (Goou chnosufoco)"
This is obviously some of that unGodly Chinese jibber-jabber. May God have mercy on your soul for driving innocent young men and women to Buddhism.

"Lijo"
More uncultured, savage Chinese nonsense, no doubt.

"Li"
A Chinese unit of measure. I don't dare delve into the unHoly, disgusting meaning of this. I pray that you keep your "private parts" to yourself next time.

"Mu"
Following the sick and savage "rituals" of Wicca, Ra, and Buddhism, "mu" is the agonized scream of the cattle who you want our children to slaughter brutally, and drink of its blood under a full moon.

"Cori"
Oh, my Jesus! Worse yet! May God have mercy on us! Here, finally, after an alarming climax, you give the name of the young virgin victim who our children should go find and sacrifice to the likes of Satan, Ra, and Buddha!

I have skipped some of your "messages," because they are just far too horrifying, and the Holy Spirit won't allow my fingers to even decode their filth.

I am a very concerned homeschooling, church-going, brownie-baking God-Fearing mother of five. I know it's not my God-given place as a woman to be correcting a man, but I fear greatly for the safety of my children, and the hundreds if not thousands of others out there, every night, unknowingly absorbing your Satanic messages.

I pray upon reading this, you see the error of your ways, and turn to the Forgiving Love of Jesus Christ NOW. Remove your "website" from the internet, and cut your hair to a God-approven and respesctable length before it is too late, and your soul burns for eternity in Hell.

God's Servant,

Mrs. Mary A. Clark

I think I'm in love! (Though I guess it wouldn't work out. This sounds like the kind of person who'd try to CHANGE me.)


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I can be reached at veloso@verylowsodium.com.

Contents copyright 2006 Greg Falcon.

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